Go Through Something That Destroys You to Find out Who You Really Are
"We mature with damage, not with time."
Getting fucked over is life-changing.
I crave it.
When things go wrong it’s forced learning. You have to pay attention. You can’t passively pretend to be listening and then forget it all tomorrow.
Damage is where strength is built. If you don’t get destroyed a few times in life, you may never realize your potential.
We mature with damage, not with time – @IamAaronWill
A one in a million second chance for a prisoner
In 2009 a young stockbroker named John Hartman admitted a deadly sin: insider trading. After getting out of jail in 2012, he attempted to get another job.
Nobody would hire him. Who wants to hire a prisoner? John interviewed at many companies. As soon as they heard his past, they’d mysteriously stop all communication. Eventually he moved from the east to the west coast of Australia.
A close contact managed to get him an interview with Andrew Forrest – the owner of Fortescue Metals, a billion-dollar success story – for an investment manager role. The flight across the country cost him the little money he had. Things got so tough that on the day of the interview he couldn’t even afford to put a few gold coins in the parking meter so he could park outside the front of the office.
Andrew recalls thinking, “He came over and I just looked into his soul and I thought this guy has really suffered.”
Andrew gave John a second chance and offered him a job. Years of business taught Andrew that when people became successful their egos would take over. A stockbroker fresh out of prison didn’t have an ego. That gave John overwhelming levels of humility.
Humility practiced daily creates illusionary miracles. Andrew believes once you know what suffering looks like you are immune to the disease of an inflated ego.
It might look like Andrew gave John a second chance because he wears a Superman costume after dark. That’s not true. By giving John a second chance, Andrew got his undying loyalty in return. Second chances are deeply emotional. If you’ve ever been given one you’ll know what it’s like.
John Hartman says he will never forget what it was like to break the law and go to prison. Surprisingly, the situation that destroyed his life is one he’s glad he went through, because it made him who he is today – an investment manager for one of the biggest companies in the world run by Andrew.
Being broken is the real opportunity
I quit my job recently. The chance of failure, running my own business during the middle of a pandemic, is high-risk. There is a chance I will fail. Much of the value I’ve built up over time could be destroyed.
It has already been an experience full of a bajillion disasters.
From being scammed by a web developer, to being humiliated in front of hundreds of thousands of people online by a group of well-known bloggers, to having a few projects fail spectacularly, I’ve learned a lot.
These disasters have been what I’m craving.
My safe job in tech never gave me these broken experiences. You don’t need to risk much working a job. The comfort of a job takes over after about six months.
From there, you cruise and pretend you’re doing big things. Deep down you’re lying to yourself because most jobs have an army of employees behind you who can step in if you mess up. When you choose the solopreneur path like I have, there’s nobody to blame but yourself.
The truth is I stopped growing in life. I needed to take this huge, dumb risk to destroy myself all over again. Mental illness did this to me earlier in life. It robbed me of every opportunity I ever had. So many nights were spent crying myself to sleep and praying to god (I’m not even religious) to save me from the devastation.
Like John Hartman, I got given a series of second chances that changed my life. The destruction showed me who I really am. I got to see the default tantrum behavior I used on a daily basis as a fully grown 6-foot adult baby.
The privilege of growing up in Australia hit me too. Most of all, I accidentally ended up helping people who were in a worse situation than me through volunteer work. Their suffering showed me my suffering was petty nonsense in comparison.
Bonus:
Get screwed over by someone you trust – a friend, family member, co-worker.
Why?
You’ll be forced to contemplate giving them a second chance. This enhances your empathy muscle. And empathy is a magnet for hidden opportunities that change the trajectory of your life.
Final Thought
An event that destroys you is a necessary evil. Something that destroys you can only ruin life permanently if you don’t get back up off the floor and learn from it.
We have a lot more strength than we realize and when you discover those energy reserves inside of you, a lion is released.
You find courage you didn’t know you had. You stop accepting “no” as a valid answer. You get uncomfortable. You become unreasonable enough to believe there is more in this world for you.
Don’t avoid nuclear events that blow up in your face. Lean into them. The person you become on the other side is phenomenal.
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Thank you for your content.
I don't know why but I can relate to each and every point in this article. I am completely broke and jobless right now in my life. Lost my parents in the last few years. I was trying to study and clear the exam for the govt. job from last 2 years. Lost my grandfather last year. The last 5 years have been like a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Mental illness, anxiety, and depression all these things made me self doubt myself and my abilities. But, as I read your articles they give me the courage to keep believing in myself and keep going. I know this time too shall pass and I'd be able to find my own way in life. Thank You for giving courage to people like me that there is a chance for everyone.