To Anyone Who Thinks They're Lost in Life
A message for the everyday person doing their best.
Feeling lost is the default way of life.
Yep, sounds controversial but it’s true. Even the most successful people in the world feel lost at times. Some celebrities spend their entire lives feeling lost.
Yesterday I found myself in a park looking at the contacts list on my phone. I’ve got thousands of phone numbers saved. A harsh truth hit me at a moment’s notice.
Most of the people stored in my phone book are no longer my friends. They’re not even connections. And I will never speak to many of them again before the day I die.
This realization really knocked me about.
Do I have any real friends? I scrolled through the list again. I could only count perhaps ten people whom I’d still call friends that I talk with regularly. The rest of them are as good as dead.
If I called any of these ghost contacts tomorrow, 99% of them wouldn’t answer. As an experiment I randomly called a few people. Only one of them called back and I missed their call. The rest…didn’t call or message back.
The realization that you only have roughly ten real friends stored in your phone can make you feel lost - even, lonely.
But I read a post from Sahil Bloom who says all you need is ten friends. All we can handle is ten friends at any point in time.
Then it hit me – I’m not lost, I just need to invest in my ten closest friends and stop investing time into shallow vanity relationships.
We feel lost when we think we’re special.
On another early morning walk today, it hit me that I’m not special. If I died tomorrow my tragic story wouldn’t appear on any news channel.
If there was a funeral, likely, fewer than 50 people would show up (despite the millions of followers online). Most people aren’t thinking about me on a daily basis. They’re consumed by their own lives and problems. They’re doing the best they can.
The fact you’re not special is great news.
It means crowds of people aren’t watching your every move. You can breathe, be yourself, and run your own race.
Another humbling thought I have is we’re all one step away from disaster.
One step away from a romantic separation.
One step away from a cheating partner.
One step away from divorce.
One step away from cancer.
One step away from bankruptcy.
One step away from getting fired.
Some people find this reality terrifying. I find it deeply satisfying. Lately, a few friends have said I’m overly humble. I feel like I have (almost) no ego.
That’s because I know how easy it is to lose everything. It’s happened to me so many times before. Writing my new book has been a reminder. In the first chapter, I talk all about what I’ve lost.
I didn’t realize I’ve lost so much.
But it’s not a sad story. The losses have led to such enormous gains. When you lose enough times you become more humble.
Periods of loss are when you rediscover yourself. When your ego is out of control you can’t see these realities. You’re running a million miles an hour, blind. This is how I lived while working my various corporate jobs.
I thought the good times would last forever. I thought I was invincible. Then my mentor quit his job. Then my boss. Within a few months my team had moved on and I was the last man standing. A redundancy was almost a given, so I quit.
What followed was a period of humility. I had to learn how little value I actually had by doing 100+ job interviews.
Expect loss in life and you won’t feel so lost when it happens.
Everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to.
These last few weeks I’ve been exhausted taking my local council through the legal system. It feels unfair. “Why won’t they just do their job?” When I have these negative thoughts nothing good happens.
Then, again, today I realized this legal battle is making me stronger. I’ve started to put up with less sh*t. I understand the legal system better and it’s flaws (whoever has the most money often wins).
It’s bringing out this hidden leadership potential as well.
My local community is seeing me as some sort of champion for the average person’s rights. A neighbor even asked me if I’d consider running for Mayor.
If you look at frustrating situations with “look how bad this is” it gets you nowhere. Look at what bad events are doing to you and ask yourself, “what’s the mother-f*cking opportunity here?”
The fastest way to feel lost is to compare your situation to others.
It creates envy, jealousy, and never-ending frustration. My wife and I have been listening to a parenting podcast from the sleep doctor we use. She explains how two parents can divide house chores amongst themselves.
We thought it sounded great.
What she doesn’t say about her and her husband’s situation is that she earns over $1M a year from her business. And her husband is a CEO of some company. They use their massive income to pay for a nanny.
So I guess house chores are easier if a nanny does most of them!
My wife and I also listened to some Jay Shetty interviews on marriage. He provides a long list of strategies like “go to a yoga retreat.”
It sounds lovely except we can’t fly to Bali because we have a 1 year old daughter to take care of and she’s too young for babysitters. See what I mean?
If you compare your life to someone else’s, all you get is misery.
They are not you. You are not them. Stop thinking everyone is better or more perfect than you. In my experience, the happiest people on the outside often have the darkest secrets on the inside.
The solution is to focus on your situation. Quit comparing.
You aren’t behind in life. You aren’t failing. You’re right where you need to be. You’re doing the best you can with the information you have.
The biggest achievements take decades of feeling lost in order to happen.
A lot of people are getting "un-lost" in The Write 4/28 Challenge cohort this month.
Enrollment for the March challenge is now open.
We reserve 100 seats.
All 7 previous cohorts have sold out.
For the next 2 days, you can grab your spot at early bird pricing.
great writing, Tim.
focusing on someone else’s situation rather than your own is the quickest way to depression.
Great post, Tim! Very relatable. Thank you.
I enjoyed the read. 👍😊