The word loneliness implies sadness, but I think that being alone (different to loneliness in my view) is what sparks creativity. Any activity really that brings joy, relaxes you, and gives you time to think can spark creativity. You're right about us being constantly on the go and needing to find our alone time.
I'm curious Tim - is there a reason you're using solitude and loneliness interchangeably in this article? (I did notice you used both words during different parts)
I think it's important to differentiate the two. Like Cathy mentioned loneliness implies sadness because you have no friends whereas solitude implies it's a decision to engage in self reflection.
Hey Tim, last time I felt lonely (it's kind of embarrassing to admit this) was in 2007. That summer, I turned my life around even though I didn't know that yet. I went to work in academia doing what I love - research. It wasn't easy.
I spent the summer reading research papers in a foreign language and figuring out solid state physics. Looking back now, I couldn't be more grateful to my then-girlfriend for dumping me. She created an opportunity that changed my life.
My wife has just split up with me out of nowhere after 20 years. The pain is intense, I am grieving and shocked, shielding my kids but I am trying to see the opportunities.
Solitude and isolation can be two different things.
For me, solitude is healthy. I thrive in solitude. When I'm in the woods hiking or on a river fishing, I immerse myself in my surroundings and I'm at peace. I'm communicating with nature which enriches me.
However, as a person in long term recovery from addiction, isolation can be deadly. I live in my head disconnected from those and whatever is around me. Anxiety, self-loathing and other bad stuff take over.
I thrive in solitude. I live in fear in isolation.
I can certainly confirm what you say! After my mother died, I was all alone in my house, with only memories. My brother said to write a blog each day, and complete my bucket list, and within a few months I started to write a book on Covid, and it was published (Pandoras Box). I’m now writing another book and have a wonderful dog, who keeps me to routines, starting at 5am. I don’t watch TV or SM or cable news, because I have too much reading to catch up with. My mother taught me my love of books, but I could never have completed and published a book if she were still alive. Can’t explain why, but maybe she already knew that. Life is strange, but treasure yourself by transcending yourself. That’s what she always taught me.
I agree with reading books vs social media. When I find myself doom scrolling, I often remember, "Wait, why am I reading this nonsense when I have so many books to read??" And then I switch gears, put down my phone, and pick up a book!
Great perspective. Thank you! I recently dealt with an unexpected, hurtful breakup. I have no choice but to move on. Your statement, after 90 days you won’t be the same resonated with me. It’s like going through a tunnel and getting through AND being better. I appreciate the insight and the part about building a new network from scratch. That encourages me to think differently and into new spaces about connections. Thank you very much!
I really enjoyed this article and I think you are right. There are way to many distractions peppering us every minute of every day for most of us to have an original thought or the time to get to know ourselves. I am not sure how or where to find 90 days of solitude and complete aloneness but I hunger for it. I am lost and confused at 57 years old because I have been waking up for the better part of 40 years, putting the mask on and marching to the drum of modern societal norms while eating at the propaganda trough. I have lost my soul along the way. I have finally woken up from my decades long slumber and I am determined to reunite with the spiritual soul and creative intellect I was born with. Thank you for advice, wisdom and friendly push I needed. For what it's worth I am praying for you and your battle/journey with cancer. Stick around, the world needs you......
I need a tremendous amount of alone time. I much prefer to be alone than with other people. When I was younger, I was isolated not by choice and felt lonely then. But over time, I learned to enjoy my own company. I think it’s why I’m such an independent thinker and don’t fall into the dogma that’s affected to many people today. Learning to be alone is an essential life skill - for your soul’s growth too.
Yes the need for alone time is prevalent with me as-well, i am very extroverted and great socially although i have a strong desire to be alone to recharge and rebalance, like a yin and yang. In my younger years not fully by my own volition was i also isolated, and this made me different from the rest because their ways of thinking did not rub off on me.
I can totally relate to this. I've been a loner much of my life. And I've gone through more periods of isolation than most humans I know, which makes me an oddball and feeling like I don't fit in. I'm introverted, yes, but I've had very extroverted periods of my life and met an insane amount of people.
But it's ultimately not given me the level of satisfaction merely knowing others more than knowing myself deeply, intimately, and discovering this inner genius from periods of self-imposed solitude.
I'm currently doing the 90 days of sticking to myself, building my business, honing my craft, and learning more about this NEW self who is emerging through isolation, good habits, and weaning off the need to be around others for some kind of emotional fix. That loneliness I felt in the past year has dissippated and turned into joy being alone and being able to spend my time exactly as I please.
I wonder what kind of woman could be with me. Probably someone who understands my need for solitude. That's going to be a given––something she understands about me before any long-term commitment.
Thanks for the post. It hits on many levels. Another reason why I relate to you....
And another reason why I believe my own success can come through honoring this part of me.
Enjoyed this read! I'm a solitary creature and have always enjoyed being alone. Sounds weird, but I am my own best friend. Yes, I have my spouse and my bestie, but being with myself, in the quiet solitude of my mind, is way more entertaining and fun.
As a kid, I spent summers in the library or in a tree, reading. My little circle of friends would wonder where I was at recess. Alone, in the library or a corner, reading, thinking, writing.
I work for myself from home, long before COVID hit. It's my best work space after years of suffering in an office with open floor plans. (The horror!!)
As much as I love my husband, I love when he's at work. The house is quiet and I can relish in my aloneness.
As an introvert, I have always needed large doses of solitude and I definitely don’t equate that to loneliness. Having said that, I like what you’re suggesting, because if you put most folks in a room without people or distractions, they will instantly be lonely. They have to work up to building their solitude muscles. 💪 That’s how good stuff happens.
Thanks for this Tim, came at just the right time. I know that if I focus and block out distractions between now and December I'll come out a completely different person on the other side. Will update you in December how it went.
This is an excellent post. I have journaled now almost every day since I started in February. I didn’t know where I was going. In retrospect it was probably a reaction to my Mother’s January death. Although she was in her 90’s and fading it still hit me harder than I realized at the time. Journaling daily has taken me in directions that I never dreamed and helped me understand and embrace my otherwise invisible grief.
The value of loneliness takes some time to understand. At first I thought it was a negative, but like you I have come to treasure those hours of being alone.
Unless you are divorced it is hard to carve out that time unless your partner is aware of your journey so it helps to get buy-in from family. Still, once they see and appreciate the value that this ‘alone time’ has, if they love you they will give you the space and solitude you need to become the creative that lies within.
Hey Tim - Awesome article. While I wouldn’t have considered myself a loner, I have never been a “joiner.” Semantics? Maybe! LOL
I started my self-imposed step back a few weeks ago. In part, due to a lot of family issues. It felt a bit like sadness, but ultimately, it is part of the bigger spiritual journey for me – surrender. The more I have tried to push forward, the more the message of being silent, still, and reflective is present. The whiteboard in my office with outdated goals is about to be wiped clean – I don’t even recognize who wrote them anymore. I will begin reading my 3rd book in 45 days tomorrow. I want to get back to writing everyday without caring what it is. I am/we are more selective about who we spend time with too. Sinking into the unstructured, structure of stillness.
While at times I’m frustrated with the process. I know it well. And I know ultimately, it’s a gift. Thank you for reinforcing this message by sharing your journey with us.
Your point of view is thought provoking. I can't remember ever feeling lonely but I do like my alone time. I like to be with myself as opposed to by myself.
Learning the difference between loneliness and solitude was huge for me. I enjoy my solitude. I’ve spent a lot of time alone since my divorce 6 years ago. I can honestly said I wouldn’t be where I am had not been for all that “loneliness” it changes everything to sit with yourself, with your darkness and your light.
The word loneliness implies sadness, but I think that being alone (different to loneliness in my view) is what sparks creativity. Any activity really that brings joy, relaxes you, and gives you time to think can spark creativity. You're right about us being constantly on the go and needing to find our alone time.
I used to think that too. Has loneliness helped you with a big goal Cathy?
Again, I don't think it's loneliness in the sense of missing people, but just having downtime to think helps me get my mojo back in business.
I'm curious Tim - is there a reason you're using solitude and loneliness interchangeably in this article? (I did notice you used both words during different parts)
I think it's important to differentiate the two. Like Cathy mentioned loneliness implies sadness because you have no friends whereas solitude implies it's a decision to engage in self reflection.
Hey Tim, last time I felt lonely (it's kind of embarrassing to admit this) was in 2007. That summer, I turned my life around even though I didn't know that yet. I went to work in academia doing what I love - research. It wasn't easy.
I spent the summer reading research papers in a foreign language and figuring out solid state physics. Looking back now, I couldn't be more grateful to my then-girlfriend for dumping me. She created an opportunity that changed my life.
Appreciate you sharing this had story. Breakups are often a superpower. Maybe that's my next essay lol.
They are indeed.
Thats interesting Denis.
And that you're into solid state physics is impressive.
Haha thanks, Martin :)
My wife has just split up with me out of nowhere after 20 years. The pain is intense, I am grieving and shocked, shielding my kids but I am trying to see the opportunities.
Adam, I’m sorry to hear this. How are you coping? What are your plans for the nearest future?
Solitude and isolation can be two different things.
For me, solitude is healthy. I thrive in solitude. When I'm in the woods hiking or on a river fishing, I immerse myself in my surroundings and I'm at peace. I'm communicating with nature which enriches me.
However, as a person in long term recovery from addiction, isolation can be deadly. I live in my head disconnected from those and whatever is around me. Anxiety, self-loathing and other bad stuff take over.
I thrive in solitude. I live in fear in isolation.
Completely with you, solitude and loneliness are different things. I think everyone really needs to understand that.
I can certainly confirm what you say! After my mother died, I was all alone in my house, with only memories. My brother said to write a blog each day, and complete my bucket list, and within a few months I started to write a book on Covid, and it was published (Pandoras Box). I’m now writing another book and have a wonderful dog, who keeps me to routines, starting at 5am. I don’t watch TV or SM or cable news, because I have too much reading to catch up with. My mother taught me my love of books, but I could never have completed and published a book if she were still alive. Can’t explain why, but maybe she already knew that. Life is strange, but treasure yourself by transcending yourself. That’s what she always taught me.
I agree with reading books vs social media. When I find myself doom scrolling, I often remember, "Wait, why am I reading this nonsense when I have so many books to read??" And then I switch gears, put down my phone, and pick up a book!
Agree!
Great perspective. Thank you! I recently dealt with an unexpected, hurtful breakup. I have no choice but to move on. Your statement, after 90 days you won’t be the same resonated with me. It’s like going through a tunnel and getting through AND being better. I appreciate the insight and the part about building a new network from scratch. That encourages me to think differently and into new spaces about connections. Thank you very much!
What will you do next Konyka?
Tim,
I really enjoyed this article and I think you are right. There are way to many distractions peppering us every minute of every day for most of us to have an original thought or the time to get to know ourselves. I am not sure how or where to find 90 days of solitude and complete aloneness but I hunger for it. I am lost and confused at 57 years old because I have been waking up for the better part of 40 years, putting the mask on and marching to the drum of modern societal norms while eating at the propaganda trough. I have lost my soul along the way. I have finally woken up from my decades long slumber and I am determined to reunite with the spiritual soul and creative intellect I was born with. Thank you for advice, wisdom and friendly push I needed. For what it's worth I am praying for you and your battle/journey with cancer. Stick around, the world needs you......
I need a tremendous amount of alone time. I much prefer to be alone than with other people. When I was younger, I was isolated not by choice and felt lonely then. But over time, I learned to enjoy my own company. I think it’s why I’m such an independent thinker and don’t fall into the dogma that’s affected to many people today. Learning to be alone is an essential life skill - for your soul’s growth too.
"I think it’s why I’m such an independent thinker and don’t fall into the dogma that’s affected to many people today."
This line reminds of that naval ravikant quote which goes something like "social proof/acceptance is the biggest enemy to clear thinking"
Yes the need for alone time is prevalent with me as-well, i am very extroverted and great socially although i have a strong desire to be alone to recharge and rebalance, like a yin and yang. In my younger years not fully by my own volition was i also isolated, and this made me different from the rest because their ways of thinking did not rub off on me.
I can totally relate to this. I've been a loner much of my life. And I've gone through more periods of isolation than most humans I know, which makes me an oddball and feeling like I don't fit in. I'm introverted, yes, but I've had very extroverted periods of my life and met an insane amount of people.
But it's ultimately not given me the level of satisfaction merely knowing others more than knowing myself deeply, intimately, and discovering this inner genius from periods of self-imposed solitude.
I'm currently doing the 90 days of sticking to myself, building my business, honing my craft, and learning more about this NEW self who is emerging through isolation, good habits, and weaning off the need to be around others for some kind of emotional fix. That loneliness I felt in the past year has dissippated and turned into joy being alone and being able to spend my time exactly as I please.
I wonder what kind of woman could be with me. Probably someone who understands my need for solitude. That's going to be a given––something she understands about me before any long-term commitment.
Thanks for the post. It hits on many levels. Another reason why I relate to you....
And another reason why I believe my own success can come through honoring this part of me.
Enjoyed this read! I'm a solitary creature and have always enjoyed being alone. Sounds weird, but I am my own best friend. Yes, I have my spouse and my bestie, but being with myself, in the quiet solitude of my mind, is way more entertaining and fun.
As a kid, I spent summers in the library or in a tree, reading. My little circle of friends would wonder where I was at recess. Alone, in the library or a corner, reading, thinking, writing.
I work for myself from home, long before COVID hit. It's my best work space after years of suffering in an office with open floor plans. (The horror!!)
As much as I love my husband, I love when he's at work. The house is quiet and I can relish in my aloneness.
As an introvert, I have always needed large doses of solitude and I definitely don’t equate that to loneliness. Having said that, I like what you’re suggesting, because if you put most folks in a room without people or distractions, they will instantly be lonely. They have to work up to building their solitude muscles. 💪 That’s how good stuff happens.
Thanks for this Tim, came at just the right time. I know that if I focus and block out distractions between now and December I'll come out a completely different person on the other side. Will update you in December how it went.
This is an excellent post. I have journaled now almost every day since I started in February. I didn’t know where I was going. In retrospect it was probably a reaction to my Mother’s January death. Although she was in her 90’s and fading it still hit me harder than I realized at the time. Journaling daily has taken me in directions that I never dreamed and helped me understand and embrace my otherwise invisible grief.
The value of loneliness takes some time to understand. At first I thought it was a negative, but like you I have come to treasure those hours of being alone.
Unless you are divorced it is hard to carve out that time unless your partner is aware of your journey so it helps to get buy-in from family. Still, once they see and appreciate the value that this ‘alone time’ has, if they love you they will give you the space and solitude you need to become the creative that lies within.
Since my youth, I’ve deeply understood one truth: most people spend their entire lives chasing things of little value.
——How Much Land Does a Man Need (written by Leo Tolstoy)
Hey Tim - Awesome article. While I wouldn’t have considered myself a loner, I have never been a “joiner.” Semantics? Maybe! LOL
I started my self-imposed step back a few weeks ago. In part, due to a lot of family issues. It felt a bit like sadness, but ultimately, it is part of the bigger spiritual journey for me – surrender. The more I have tried to push forward, the more the message of being silent, still, and reflective is present. The whiteboard in my office with outdated goals is about to be wiped clean – I don’t even recognize who wrote them anymore. I will begin reading my 3rd book in 45 days tomorrow. I want to get back to writing everyday without caring what it is. I am/we are more selective about who we spend time with too. Sinking into the unstructured, structure of stillness.
While at times I’m frustrated with the process. I know it well. And I know ultimately, it’s a gift. Thank you for reinforcing this message by sharing your journey with us.
Your point of view is thought provoking. I can't remember ever feeling lonely but I do like my alone time. I like to be with myself as opposed to by myself.
Learning the difference between loneliness and solitude was huge for me. I enjoy my solitude. I’ve spent a lot of time alone since my divorce 6 years ago. I can honestly said I wouldn’t be where I am had not been for all that “loneliness” it changes everything to sit with yourself, with your darkness and your light.