Overcoming Severe Mental Illness Transformed My Life

I wasn't prepared for what would happen next

Photo from the actual story below (I’m in the blue jumper)

Another day of runny poos.

It’d become the norm. Sleep, breakfast, poo, meeting, poo, coffee, poo, lunch, poo, more meetings, poo, social event, poo, poo, poo, dinner, poo, sleep, wake up, poo, REPEAT!!!

My life was hell.

My anxiety got so bad all my body could do was poo, sweat non-stop, panic, not eat, think back on the good ol’ days, and pray. Yep, I even tried becoming Christian to solve the issue. Didn’t work. The church I joined was a cult (story for another day).

God didn’t listen. Or perhaps I didn’t know how to talk to him.

The feeling of learned helplessness

I got stuck in a bad situation.

I wanted to change. I knew I had to change. But I couldn’t find a catalyst to make me change. I relied on external sources. This led me to idolize the devils of hope and luck. They never did much.

Each day I’d drive to work and feel terrible. Some days I’d wonder what it was like if I was never born. I felt helpless.

The worst part is I couldn’t tell anyone.

I suffered in silence. Worse, I pretended I was fine. I wasn’t. I was a few steps from death. But if you ask my friends or colleagues back then about me, they’d tell you I was the happiest guy you’d ever met.

They saw me run to the toilet though. I always had a good excuse.

“I’m not feeling well.”

“Got a stomach bug.”

“The flu season this year is nasty.”

They were good alibis as long as I didn’t use the same one with the same person too close to the last time I used it.

After a while I got used to mental illness. I embraced being a victim. Doctors made it easier on me by telling me I had asperger’s syndrome, meaning I had a clinical version of social anxiety. I laugh now because I’m the opposite of asperger’s haha.

But I owned the label. I stayed home when I wasn’t working. I’d sit in bed drinking alcohol or sugar and watching Star Wars movies.

Things got so bad I was bed-written for 4 weeks.

My parents thought I was dying. Everyone was scared. I just had no energy. I kept the blinds shut and stayed in total darkness.

I felt helpless, but bizarrely, I learned to love it.

The one bizarre savior I got from an unlikely bro

At a young age I fell in love with the gym.

My two best friends at age 12 blew up their muscles. Their biceps were bigger than my head. I found out when I was an adult that they both took steroids and lied.

As I became an adult I kept working out. Then when I got rich from my startup I paid for a personal trainer.

They made me fall deeper in love with the gym.

Despite all my health problems I always felt great after a workout. I now know that was because of the endorphins released after exercise (I didn’t know back then).

During my severe battle with mental illness, I decided to try the technique again. I couldn’t get to the gym because I looked like death.

So I chose to do midnight walks when no one was around.

To make the walks enjoyable I took my iPod with me and listened to music. The simple act of movement slowly changed my mood over a few days.

I wasn’t healed but I felt different.

Then one night I discovered Tony Robbins on Youtube and downloaded his audio books. I put them on my iPod. His voice in my head began to challenge everything I knew about life.

He dared to question the way I was living.

I wasn't prepared for what would happen next

The days turned into weeks.

My late-night walking habit continued, but I felt like I had nothing to lose. Tony’s voice in my ear helped me.

At work, I had a big social event coming up. It required me to spend a whole day outdoors with my team on an adventure hunt followed by a big, formal dinner at a swanky restaurant in Lygon Street, Melbourne.

I couldn’t bring myself to go.

So in my 1-1 weekly meeting with my boss I tried to get out of it. But it was hard. This day of adventure my boss had created was part of his sales pitch to the leadership team about a new way of working that included play.

His career was riding on it. He needed everyone there. Bizarrely, I was his star sales performer. There was zero chance of me skipping it.

I tried everything but he wouldn’t budge. I either showed up, or I’d likely be out of a job. The thought of being fired scared me. Job interviews led to the worst anxiety I’ve ever felt.

So everything was on the line.

I finally came clean.

“Walt, I can’t do this. My mind isn’t right. I have an eating disorder. I think I have severe mental illness. I run to the bathroom all the time. Don’t do this to me.”

He saved my life with this one thought:

“Show up for our team day, do your best, and at any time if you feel unwell you can quietly leave. We’ll celebrate every hour you manage to stay. The longer you can stay the bigger the win. The finish line is the dinner. Imagine if you made it that far?”

He’d turned the team day into a game. He knew me too well.

At the end of our meeting I felt embarrassed. It’s like finding out your best friend slept with pro$titutes because they couldn’t get laid. I felt disgusting.

The weirdest day of my life

The team day arrived fast.

The weather was spectacular. We started with an Amazing Race where we had to complete challenges all around Melbourne’s city. The exercise element helped calm my anxiety, perfectly.

Halfway through the day we had to do arts and crafts in the park and illustrate part of our life using the materials provided. My anxiety went right up. I can’t draw or make objects out of paper or cardboard.

I felt lost.

Walt: “Use your creativity. What’s another way of looking at the world?”

I saw a homeless guy in the park. I walked over to him. The team looked at me like I was crazy. No one knew what I was doing. Neither did I.

I asked him about his day. He shared his story with me about going from working in a factory to severe drug abuse.

I came back to the team. It was time to share our creations. When it was my turn I told my team how I decided to use the spoken voice to express myself instead of the craft materials provided.

I told the story word for word. My team got emotional. It touched people. No one expected it, especially not from someone like me.

The day marched on. I stayed one challenge at a time. The more challenges I did the more I felt I might actually make it to the finish line.

The final test

As the sun went down we returned to the office to get changed for our formal dinner.

The ladies dressed up. The guys wore collared shirts and shiny black shoes. I got dressed, too, but didn’t expect to actually roll up.

Walt: “Hope to see you there. Don’t come if you can’t. You’ve already done better than we could’ve expected.”

Most of my colleagues made their own way to the restaurant. This gave me an easy out. But the feeling of progress was addictive. In one day I’d come so far. To give up now felt like a huge missed opportunity.

Plus I owed it to Walt. He knew my mental illness and eating disorder secret and told no one. The least I could do was try.

I walked into the restaurant feeling confident. Within a few minutes of sitting down the anxiety came back. The waiter served everyone drinks.

My stomach began to churn.

I could feel myself getting sick. I had to now order food not knowing if I’d still be there to eat it when it came out from the kitchen.

I became more and more anxious. I took some deep breaths. The food came out within 15 minutes. I took a bite and felt sick. So I started talking with my colleagues to distract myself. Then in between sentences I’d take small bites.

After a few conversations I’d eaten all my dinner. What?!

Then the next course came out. I felt like a champion. I demolished it. To celebrate I finished off with two servings of dessert.

No stomach pains. No anxiety.

Something shifted in me that evening. It was the start of something new. I’d challenged my anxiety and proved it to be a sheep in an ax murder’s clothing.

As we all walked out of the restaurant Walt had a huge grin.

“So proud of you mate. Can’t wait to see the next chapter.”

After dinner I booked a ticket to Sydney to see Tony Robbins. My entire worldview had changed by taking a few ordinary steps and disconnecting from the outcome.

What followed after seeing Tony was therapy, writing about my transformation, 1B+ views online, a 7-figure online business, a wife, a baby girl… everything.

Bringing it all together

Not gonna lie, I had a few tears writing this. It brought me right back to a version of myself I don’t know anymore.

What’s weird about this story is none of this is unique to me.

All of us suffer from some version of psychological boogie monsters, even if we don’t realize it. The path to overcoming an internal fight in your mind is to find a catalyst.

We all need a catalyst to spark change. What’s weird is sometimes the catalyst is the one we least expect. That’s why it pays to be open-minded, seek out new challenges, and see where they lead.

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